Category: Philosophy

Generally, there are 2 methods for resolving conflict: escalation and deescalation. And yes, both of them work.

We’re always taught that de-escalation is the best policy. But that has never, isn’t, and will never be true. The ability of people to do bad things is because they’re counting on the fact that others won’t.

 

DEALING WITH BULLIES

Most people have dealt with bullies at some point in their lives. Usually during school days. And what everyone can say for certain is that the best way to get a bully off your hand is to stand up against him/her. Most times, they’re not ready for a fight. Their ability to continue bullying relies on their assumption that you won’t push back. Once you push back, you’re no longer worth the effort. When they can just move to the next person.

 

RESOLVING CONFLICTS

Some years ago, as a young graduate, I was in a public transport. There was a conversation amidst passengers as to how to resolve conflict. And the driver decided to participate. He said in his experience the best way to resolve conflict in this clime is to be the first one to escalate. And he gave a funny example. He said one day, he was involved in a minor traffic accident, which was his fault. He said as the driver of the car was getting down, he got down from his vehicle too, broke a bottle and began to run towards the other driver. Quickly, the other driver ran back into his car and zoomed off.

 

As someone who’s lived in that clime, I can tell you it’s true and it works most of the time. Taking the pacifist approach backfires often. The other party is going to download all of their frustrations onto you for minutes if not hours. Whether it’s another driver, a co-passenger or a law enforcement agent. Which is why it is a common thing that when a traffic incident occurs, each party is threatening the other party with stuff like “do you know who I am?”.

 

This is not to say escalation is always the answer. It’s to say sometimes, it’s the answer for the time. Because it is human nature to punish weakness wherever it’s found.

 

“blessed are the meek…”

Meekness is correctly defined as having great power but choosing restraint. It’s often confused with being a pushover. No one is going to pick a fight with the meek, not because they don’t want to, but because they know the meek has the power to descend heavily on them. It is folly to pick a fight you know you can’t win.

DEFINING NORMS AND EXCEPTIONS

Things that occur often and consistently are norm and those that occur rarely and irregularly are exceptions. For example, in Nigeria, it’s expected for it to rain almost every day in June in most part of the south. Now, if it rains just 3 times in the month of June, that’s an exception. Or if it were to rain almost every day in January, that’s also an exception. Because the norm is for it to not rain at all in January.

 

SCIENCE is possible because of this consistency. If everything in the universe is random, irregular and inconsistent, science won’t be possible. Because the core of science is observing patterns (consistencies) and reproducable patterns. If there’s no clear formula to reproduce an event, it is not scientific.

 

 

LIVING BASED ON EXCEPTION

However, what I have noticed in my few decades of existence is that a lot of us humans tend to try to live our lives based on Exceptions, not Norms. In religious setting, exceptions are called miracles.

Miracle by definition is a deviation from the norm. And something is not an exception if it occurs frequently. Now, why will you plan your life around exceptions?

 

Some years ago, I was in a public transport with a coworker and we were discussing future plans. This fella told me he hopes to win big from sport betting one day and buy a house in Lagos, Nigeria. He’s not saving or investing. He’s placing bets regularly with the hope that one day, he’ll win millions to be able to afford to buy a house.

 

I can say with high degree of certainty that he’s neither bought a house nor won big from sport betting up till now and most likely won’t till he gives up on thay dream or dies. Why? Because winning big from sport betting is an exception. It only happens to 1% of betters. Hence, I can be 99% sure that he won’t win. Whereas, the person that chose to save, probably has saved enough to buy a land by now.

 

The story of this person is representative of a huge chunk of human population. Especially those from parts of the world where religion is elevated beyond science.

 

 

SELF-BELIEF TAKEN TO THE EXTREME

I think the core issue that causes people to believe their case will be the exception is self belief taken too far. The belief that they’re special. Now, I’m not saying you’re not. But everyone else believes they’re special too. And for something to be special, it means it is exceptional compared to others. If everyone is special, nobody is special.

 

It is this belief that convinces people to not pay attention and plan according to what’s the norm. But instead decide to live life based on the belief that their case will be different. It most likely won’t be.

 

This is not to say you must do what others have done to achieve same result. It’s to say if you don’t do as everyone does, you’re most likely going to fail.

 

Parents understand this, which is why they insist their wards goto school instead of spending all their days trying to build a music or sport career. Because being successful in music or sport has to do with exception. For every Messi, there’s millions that are still stuck in their neighbourhood hoping to get picked by a club. For every Micheal Jackson, there’s a struggling fella still composing songs and hoping one will blow.

 

In a country of 200 million people, it is mathematically impossible for all to emigrate. If your entire life plan depends on emigration, I can tell you with almost absolute certainty that you’ll be disappointed.

 

 

RELIGION AS A PILOT, POVERTY AS THE COPILOT

One of the core features of most religions is the concept of miracle. That the God/god of the religion is able to make your situation different, against the norm.

 

Perhaps, as a married couple, you’ve been unable to conceive and doctors have told you one or both of you is infertile. The practical next step is to explore options like surrogacy, IVF or adoption. Certain group of people will rather spend their days praying and performing all sort of rituals hoping that the God/god they’re praying to will single them out to perform a miracle. Most times, it doesn’t happen. Because miracles are by definition rare.

 

A poor man believes that if he places bet of $10 every week. Eventually, he’s going to win $1m to buy a house and live fine forever. That man will lost likely die in poverty.

 

A partially educated lady believes that if she stays cute she’ll eventually stumble into a rich guy that’ll deliver her and her family from poverty finally. She’ll most likely end up with a mechanic in her tax bracket.

 

Now, asides from the misaligned self belief that all these people share, they also have something in common – poverty. Perhaps if that couple were rich enough to afford it, they’d have naturally explored IVF instead of praying. Perhaps if that man had a well paying job and access to credits and social securities, he’d have taken a mortgage instead of placing bets weekly with the hope of winning big. Perhaps if that lady had gotten a good job after leaving school, she’d have been earning to make her family comfortable.

 

However, most of these people cannot seem to draw the line between their poverty and the government of their territory. They cannot seem to figure out that if the government is better, there’s less poverty. And when there’s less poverty, there’s less need to hope for a miracle.

 

It is that belief that true special, the belief that you’ll be the norm, the belief that your case will be different. It’s that state of mind that industries like betting are built on. Betting companies want you to believe you can win. They know most of you won’t. If there’s a lottery in place. One winner wins $1m. The reason 5m people participate is because each of those 5m people believe that they’ll be the 1 person to win $1m. For the observers, we know all 5m can’t win. But every single one of those 5m people believe they’ll be the winner. And that’s exactly what the organizers are counting on.

 

 

RATIONAL CONCLUSION

Every one of us falls into this rabbit hole at some point. Some more often than others. And what you need to do to get yourself out is to evaluate.

“what factors are there, besides my belief, that makes me super convinced things will turn out differently from me compared to others that are/were in the same shoes”.

And then ask if it’s worth the risk. Is it worth it, betting $10 every week hoping that one day you’ll win big. Or is it better you save that $10 weekly and plan your future around that savings you have.

 

Because in the end, life has no do-overs. Time lost cannot be gotten back. Hence, live most of your life according to the norm of consistent results.